Twinkle Number 4

So I haven't found time for the background post I was going to do... so anyone reading this will jusy have to keep up or ask questions :-)

Long story short I had a miscarriage over the weekend, my 4th, but this pregnancy went the longest (12 weeks and 5 days) baby died at approximately 8 weeks and 2 days tho.

I started bleeding friday night but had no way to get to hospital short of an ambulance (which in my view was unnecessary) or waking my neighbours up (I live off road and ride a motorbike which I park in my garden... so I try not to go anywhere too late as the engine wakes the kids up). besides at 12 weeks there is nothing they will do with  miscarriage other than confirm it and let it run its course. so Saturday morning I took myself off to A&E and got prodded and poked and @ 2.30pm they confirmed that while I had what looked like a perfectly healthy pregnancy there was no heart beat and the baby had stopped growing at 8 weeks. SWMBO had come over to the hospital to keep me company, and I am ever so grateful, especially for the hug when i found out (she's not a huggy person so I feel honoured!) as at that point I just needed to be held and cry.

I was fine on Sunday, a little bleeding and cramping, but very mild, so I went to my Mothers as planned, as my granddad was visiting and I like to see him as often as I can, I hadn't told her about the miscarriage coz I didn't want to spoil the visit, She was so excited about the baby (while doing the "doom and gloom" thing ie You'll never afford it, you'll lose your job etc) and was touching my tummy and asking if I could feel the baby move yet... which nearly had me in tears... but I made it through the visit.

and woke up Moday morning in agony! I spent about 3 hours, from about 5am commuting between the bath and the toilet (while puking into the sink!), started off passing a lot of blood and clots the size of golf balls but that all stopped after about an hour, and that was when the pain got unbearable... I spoke to a friend to see if she could come sort out my dogs (I have 2) but she was away in Lincoln. So I called the ward I had been seen in on Saturday who told me to come in to them and to call an ambulance so shortly after that, when I gave up hope of the pain getting less I called 999.

I have very little idea of what happened after that - I know I hobbled to the ambulance in knickers and a jumper (with the poor paramedic carrying what clothes and shoes he could find on the way out) coz they told me there was gas & air available once I got on the ambulance - the offer of pain relief (of any sort, no matter how mild) was the only thing that got me moving. And for the record, when you can't help screaming coz the pain is THAT bad, gas & air is like a plaster over a bullet wound (virtually ineffective!)

They finally got me to hospital, and onto the right ward... and they gave me a morphine injection, more gas & air and a paracetamol drip... and WOW! not having any pain was bliss... and the light fitting was fascinating too (I think that was the effect of the morphine!) then there was lots of prodding and poking, the registrar was massaging my cervix, and trying to clear the canal... she ended up using forcep type things to pull out what was stuck... and that was basically the problem, my body has gone into a kind of labour to get rid of the pregnancy but my cervix hadn't dilated at all, and had got blocked with "product". - "product" is the nasty clinical, PC term for dead baby bits (placenta womb lining, and obviously the baby). I dislike the clinical PC-ness of it coz you know whay? I just lost my baby and I want people to recognise that, not refer to her as a "product"! I did snap a few times over this! I also had a look at the "dead baby bits" they were collecting (to make sure I passed it all) which was fascinating and heart breaking all at the same time... but I am a little weird like that...

My mother turned up a couple of hours after I got there... fortunately after I had stopped screaming and begging people to make the pain stop! And... well... she was devestated that I had lost the baby, and that I hadn't told her, and everything...

Needless to say I am home and ok... just need a scan to confirm everything has gone and I'm not getting an infection or anything...

And then on to the question of what now, Should I take this as a sign? 4 miscarriages, 2 different fathers (3 with 1 and this last one was a different guy) and no obvious reason for any of them...

This one was the worst and not just coz of the physical pain, but the fact that it went so long and I allowed myself to hope and dream... and talk/sing/tell stories to Twink. The others all miscarried between 6 & 8 weeks so I never had that time of boding and believing it was gonna be ok... where as this one i really did think would work... and had names picked out, favourite stories and songs, and dreams of the future.

So do I try again? Can I go through this again? And do I want a child that much?

I've asked for any identifable remains they have (they examine all the "dead baby bits" and will pass on any bits of the fetus they find) again I don't know why or what I will do with her... apparently I did suggest feeding her to the dogs, but in my defence I was out of it on drugs... But I don't want to leave her to be burnt with all the other hospital waste... so I'll figure something out

Anyways thats it for my overly long and depressing update

G'night

Post the First :-)

Ok so I suppose I should explain, I have set this up for somewhere I can be me, I have a huge amount of change going on in my life and a number of people who can only talk about the negative of every decision I make... then you have all my plans which have gone... what comes after pear shaped?? Plus I miss my nightly check ins with SHMBO (I would email her nightly with whatever was on my mind from the day) so I figured I'd do them anyway but just for me... they are here coz I have been here stalking Frugal Queen for a while... :-)

Anyways, more details about me & my life to follow at a later date - but for now the last 3 nights ramblings...


17.08.12

Well at least it was a half day at work today... still bugger all to do... and with the addition of the new staff from the company they have bought (who start with us next month) I am hugely worried for my job... They just need to keep going till next Feb/March... I have to stay in work till then.

There is no other news really... Feeling a little lost and at sea at the moment... and bratiness seems to be getting me nowhere!

18.08.12

I have no words for how hurt and upset I am today. SHMBO & Whatnot came to help me move the last of my stuff from my ex's... I have no idea what was up with SHMBO but she was damn rude! I was expecting to have to appologise for my ex's behaviour towards them, instead I had to apologise to my ex for her behaviour! *sighs* Well it's the last time I will accept help from them.

AND to top it off my mother will be coming over tomorrow to help me move the rest of it coz there is staill another car load to move - i didn't dare mention bit today as someone obviously had somewhere else she would rather be!

I am grateful for their help, if only coz I now have my microwave back!! But... and maybe I am being unreasonable here, I would like to be able to rely on my friends to behave civilly around my other friends... even if it was my ex! I'm the only one allowed to be pissy with my ex!

19.08.12

So today was D day at least as far a MB goes... and it bothered me less than I thought it would... or not less but completely differently... and I am glad for her and will keep my fingers crossed

In other news I spoke to SWMBO today... and I wimped out of asking her about Saturday. People who know me well laugh when I tell them I hate confrontation and arguements, I have to be completely comfortable with someone before I trust them enough to risk pissing them off... and even then I struggle to be completely open about how I feel...

Mother came over and we moved the final car load from my ex's, my sittingroom is now box central and I appear to have lost the sofa!! Yet more sorting to be done!

I am still feeling very alone, which is silly I guess seeing as I have MB & SHMBO who check in on me (via Skype) every/most days, and I have work people and a few others I could call on if I needed them and I have the dogs, and my Mother... I think I just need the sensation of another person sometimes, someone to curl up with (although not in this heat!) and to laugh with and to be vunerable with... someone to hold me and tell me everything will work out the way it supposed to.

Anyways, back to work tomorrow... I hope there is something to do!

G'night
x